Boundaries...
We all know what the word boundary means, yet, we may still not know exactly what it means in terms of personal boundaries.
According to a PsychCentral.com article on the subject…
“Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you can avoid the feelings of resentment, disappointment, and anger that build up when limits have been pushed.”
AND boundaries are not rigid lines drawn in the sand that are clear for all to see.
One of the things that many of us struggle with, is knowing where the boundaries are. I mean, how do we know if they are too rigid, too loose or just right? We love these lists from the Psych Center article that show how we can tell what unhealthy or healthy boundaries might look like.
If our boundaries are too rigid, we might:
- Keep others at a distance
- Seem detached, even with intimate partners
- Have few close relationships
- Avoid close relationships
If our boundaries are too loose, we might:
- Get too involved with others’ problems
- Find it difficult to say “no” to others’ requests
- Overshare personal information with others
- Seek to please others for fear of rejection
If we have healthy boundaries, we might:
- Share personal information appropriately (not too much or not too little)
- Understand your personal needs and wants and know how to communicate them
- Value your own opinions
- Accept when others tell you “no”
It’s likely that there is not a “one size fits all” formula for healthy boundaries and we may need different boundaries at work than we need for family and friends. And that would be totally appropriate.
And, don’t discount the influence of cultural norms, both for you and for others with regards to sharing. Whatever is comfortable for each one of us is what is comfortable, period.
Even for those of us who have healthy boundaries, they may slide over to not-do-good in times of stress or special circumstances in the name of taking care of people and making sure everything is just right.
It could be very useful to notice where your own boundaries are. One way we find the boundary of almost any situation or relationship is to notice when that boundary is violated or crossed. Some signs might be... you find yourself agitated, or you feel a rush, zing or surprise at the way someone interacts with you. Ask yourself, what boundary was just crossed? Was it a personal boundary of yours, was it a social norm, or are you witnessing someone cross their own boundaries? Only when we know where they are currently can we discover if our boundaries are, for us, healthy or not.
It is worth the time and effort to get those boundaries in shape.
